Romesh Ranganathan is possibly the busiest man in all of showbusiness – balancing his very many television commitments with his love of Arsenal.

Ranganathan is currently on the BBC's The Traitors, where he's picked as a Faithful (we won't give you any more spoilers than that) and has to navigate the pitfalls of the castle alongside friend Rob Beckett.

The comedian spoke to FourFourTwo about his life following the Gunners in 2021…

Romesh Ranganathan: 'I’ve never received so much abuse – not even at any of the gigs I’ve done since'

Why are you an Arsenal fan?

I’m Crawley born and bred, and people are forever having a go at me for not being a Crawley Town fan. It’s my dad’s fault. When he first came over from Sri Lanka, he stayed in north London and soon became a really militant Gooner. He ended up opening what was just an Arsenal-themed pub in East Grinstead. Punters would come to watch my dad lose his s**t over Arsenal – he’d shout, scream and go mental. This was when we were good, so imagine what he was like when we became rubbish! I went to Crawley when Arsenal played them in the FA Youth Cup [in 2003]. It was the first time I ever saw Cesc Fabregas. The Arsenal kids were all unbelievable, but a 16-year-old Cesc was on another level – he scored from the halfway line... just insane. They won 9-0.

Who was your childhood hero, and did you ever meet them?

I’ve always loved Ian Wright – both as a player and a personality. But I quickly learned you can make an absolute dick of yourself in front of your heroes. I was once with Kevin Bridges in a hotel bar, the morning after a big night’s drinking. We noticed Wrighty in there, but I felt so hungover and didn’t want to meet him. I desperately wanted him to like me, but didn’t feel equipped to be interesting or amusing. We got up to leave, but then he suddenly walked over and introduced himself.

All I could do was garble some gushing nonsense. Even Kevin told me, “Jesus, that was f**king awful banter you were inflicting on the poor guy.” I ended up having to ask a mutual acquaintance to apologise for my s**t chat. So I’ve decided, in the same way I prepare for a show, I’m going to work up material for the next time I see Ian. I’ll try it out in the car until I feel ready.

Who’s your current favourite player?

Hector Bellerin – I’ve met him and he genuinely loves Arsenal. I think it’s unfair that people expect players to have personalities, too. The physical prowess they show is so amazing that to ask them to be eloquent speakers as well is a bit much. We don’t have a go at great speakers because they can’t kick a ball, do we? But Bellerin is intelligent and a very funny bloke.

What was your finest moment when you played?

I honestly don’t have one, because I’m horrendous. When I was a teacher, they roped me into the annual sixth-formers vs staff game. I came on as a reluctant substitute at the end, then shinned an absolute sitter over the bar.

Let me tell you, I’ve never received so much abuse – not even at any of the gigs I’ve done since. It got so bad that I couldn’t enter the staff room or walk around school for a week. I self-isolated for my own good.

Which footballer do you admire that never played for your club?

I remember one game against Chelsea at Highbury, and I couldn’t believe – this is a compliment – how much of a prick Dennis Wise was. You’d never see it on TV, but he was constantly in our players’ ears, giving them all sorts of s**t on the wind-up. Wise was one of those hateful players you’d love to have in your team.

Do you have any matchday routines or superstitions?

My dad’s superstition was to make us go for fried chicken before every game. He swore it helped Arsenal win, but I should also tell you: he died of a heart attack... My only routine is to get to the stadium early, but the problem is it looks like I’m desperate for attention. ‘Look, Romesh has turned up early for some selfies, the absolute narcissist’. But it’s just my superstition. Honestly.

Which player would you pick as your room-mate?

Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang. I’d give him the best night of his life and lay on so much entertainment, to convince him to stay. “You see mate, it wouldn’t be like this if you joined Real Madrid…”

What’s the strangest thing you’ve seen or heard at a match?

I was at Highbury, and an Arsenal fan got angry as I wasn’t singing enough. This was before I did any stand-up, so it wasn’t because he’d recognised me. But every time a new song started, he’d look around at me as if to say, ‘Well, are you going to f**king sing or not?’ It became very uncomfortable and I felt obliged to join in. I was singing like a hostage. You could see the quiet terror in my eyes as he growled, “Sing up you tart.”

Where’s the strangest place you’ve met a manager or player?

I was in Portugal with my wife and kids a few years ago, on holiday. We were all in the hotel restaurant, when suddenly Calum Chambers turned up and tapped me on the shoulder. I’d recorded a show with him in the past, so he knew me, but it was really weird seeing him there. He was with three of his mates and asked me if I knew anywhere decent to go out. I said, “You’re talking to a fat dad on his family holiday, so unless you’re keen on a kids’ quiz night or going on the flume rides, you’ve got this all wrong.” Mental.

Who’s the worst player you’ve seen at your club?

I’m not one for slagging off players, but Igors Stepanovs was truly awful. There was a 10-minute spell during his Arsenal career when I was definitely as good as him – that’s how awful he was.

Who would you play alongside in your fantasy five-a-side team?

I’d have Gianluigi Buffon in goal, simply because he looks so rock ‘n’ roll. Thierry Henry is up top, obviously. Ronaldinho is in there, because he’s the best YouTube compilation player of all time and seems like he’d be a laugh. I’m hardly a natural finisher, as my old school will testify, so I’ll stay at the back, shoring things up – or at least trying to – with Martin Keown.

He’s such a defensive monster that I’d either have absolutely nothing to do, or he’d be continually screaming at me. It could prove to be one of the most torrid afternoons of my life, but it would take some of the edge off that staff game at Hazelwick School.