The ‘humble’ Harry Kane had his big Ballon d’Or night ruined by a ‘disrespect row’ with Ousmane Dembele and the despicable Kylian Mbappe.

Do not read on unless you want to be left outraged at the treatment of a national hero.

Don speak
Ian Ladyman of the Daily Mail has identified the biggest issue plaguing Manchester United:

‘It was by the law of unintended consequences that Maguire revealed how Michael Carrick, a nice guy in a fix, simply doesn’t exude the authority required to command United. ‘Michael turned our season on its head last season,’ the defender observed after the 3-0 defeat by Bournemouth.

‘Never, in the days when United were a force in football, would the manager be described as ‘Alex’ or, decades earlier, ‘Matt’. Sir Alex Ferguson and Sir Matt Busby simply wouldn’t tolerate that kind of familiarity.’

It doesn’t feel like Manchester United would currently be top of the Premier League if the players were forced to call Carrick ‘gaffer’ or ‘boss’ instead.

Mediawatch is, as ever, being glib. Ladyman’s point is about standards and culture and other such High Performance buzzwords. And it is absolutely fair. But can any one manager currently oversee that necessary change?

He suggests that Real Madrid’s El Clasico win has ‘led some to suggest’ Jose Mourinho ‘still has what United need’, at which point we really must request proof of whether those people actually exist.

Ladyman then pitches Carlo Ancelotti as ‘the individual United have needed all along’. Which was probably true when replacing Ferguson/Alex as manager of the Premier League champions back in 2013, but really doesn’t feel like the case in a 2026 relegation battle.

Back in June, Ladyman condemned the ‘lack of physical effort’ against Morocco from a Brazil side ‘stuck in the middle of an identity crisis’ as they exited the World Cup in the round of 16.

Sounds like the perfect coach for a non-running Manchester United in need of facilitating about eight different departures at executive level before even starting to try and rebuild.

Fair comp
‘Howe’s appeal is that there is no compensation required to get him as he currently continues his break from the game after leaving Newcastle following a successful five years in the North East in which he ended their 70-year trophy drought with a League Cup’ – Nathan Salt, Daily Mail, October 26.

‘Although Howe is available after leaving Newcastle in the summer, it’s understood that United would still owe his old club around £3million in compensation as well as having to pay off Carrick and his coaching staff’ – Chris Wheeler, Daily Mail, October 26.

Carri on
‘Michael Carrick arrives at Carrington just 24 hours after Man Utd sack talks’ – The Sun website.

Erm… the cheek of it? We think?

They haven’t sacked him. So he is still Manchester United manager. And probably feels obliged to turn up to work, even if it is ‘just 24 hours after’ they presumably talked about sacking him but didn’t actually sack him.

In great Nick
There has been no shortage of ‘How Man Utd could line up under Eddie Howe’ fantasy pieces, which must invariably only depress supporters further.

The Sun website, for example, offers three potential line-ups, all of which still feature Harry Maguire.

But one of them also chucks Nick Woltemade up front after what is rather understatedly described as a ‘shock move’.

Manchester United could line up under Eddie Howe with a £69m striker who scored eight goals in 34 Premier League appearances for Newcastle. It does feel like they might not, though.

If only they already possessed a centre-forward who ‘would provide a sizeable focal point up front’. Sod it, chuck Maguire up there.

French fancy
The big news on Tuesday morning, of course, is the crowning of one-season wonder Harry Kane as the best footballer in the world.

In his Ballon d’Or speech Kane understandably and inevitably thanked pretty much everyone, Tim Sherwood included. But this transcription from The Sun feels a bit off:

‘Kane said: “I’m almost speechless, luckily I have this list. First of all thank you to French football, the Ballon d’Or, this amazing event being in London as well looked a good omen for me so thank you very much.’

That quote is used in four separate stories across the website, with no-one at any stage of those publishing processes stopping to wonder why a Bayern Munich striker who has only previously played in England might be thanking ‘French football’, instead of the magazine (France Football) which presents the award.

D.I.S.R.E.S.P.E.C.T
Kane’s big night, however, was unfortunately overshadowed by literally all of the drama.

The story atop the MailOnline is not Oliver Holt’s delightful love letter to Kane’s career, a round-up of the reaction from the wider world or some quotes from the man himself.

Nope, instead we get this:

‘Harry Kane’s Ballon d’Or disrespect row: French superstars Kylian Mbappe and Ousmane Dembele fail to stand to shake humble winner’s hand – as it’s revealed just how close vote was’

Those French sods, insulting our brave, humble, English hero.

The article collapses in on itself as early as the opening paragraph:

‘French football superstars Kylian Mbappe and Ousmane Dembele have been accused of disrespecting Harry Kane after failing to stand to shake his hand before he won the Ballon d’Or – the prize for the world’s best footballer – on Monday night.’

They have been ‘accused of disrespecting’ the ‘humble hero’ Kane…by whom? There is precisely zero mention of any such accusations anywhere else in the story. It’s bizarre.

There is footage in which Mbappe and Dembele ‘pay little attention’ to poor Kane, despite both of them greeting, embracing and smiling at him. The latter was also on the phone, but obviously should have hung up to talk about Leyton Orient or the NFL or something.

‘Both French players stay firmly in their seats as Kane crouches to grasp their hands – with Mbappe in particular looking elsewhere before the Englishman grabs his attention.’

The pr*ck. Making Kane crouch because he’s sat down and doesn’t feel the need to stand up to say hello to everyone on an evening when he presumably said hello to hundreds of people he doesn’t know too well? Looking elsewhere before Kane reached him?! The f**king cheek.

‘In footage from the ceremony, Mbappe also does not stand up to congratulate Kane when he is announced as the winner.’

He did, of course, hug, congratulate and applaud Kane immediately after he was announced as the winner, despite his own personal disappointment; Dembele even rose off his seat to give Kane a handshake and pat on the back, so it is unknown whether this already entirely fictitious ‘disrespect row’ still includes him.

Mbappe, though? Hanging is too good for him after triggering a ‘disrespect row’ featuring neither any disrespect, nor any rowing. And all that after Kane specifically thanked French football.

She’s a keeper
The MailOnline perfectly innocently go with this as their second-biggest story of the entire morning:

‘The Lionesses big night out! Hannah Hampton stuns on the red carpet as she leads England’s Women in supporting Harry Kane at the Ballon d’Or ceremony in London’

The opening paragraph reiterates that: ‘Hannah Hampton led the way as the Lionesses dazzled on the red carpet at the Ballon d’Or, with England’s women’s team throwing their support behind Harry Kane.’

And they probably were backing Kane. But it should probably be pointed out that Hampton was primarily there not as a cheerleader, but because she was nominated for the women’s goalkeeper of the year award.

Rice cold
Really enjoyable snidery from the Daily Mirror in their coverage:

‘Declan Rice in the meantime only accumulated enough votes to finish 15th.’

Imagine only being voted the 15th best footballer in the entire world. Sh*te.